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Time:09:46 am
Hmmm. I love laying in bed in the morning and letting my mind wander while Tim is sleeping. I honestly think that this period of the day is when I am actually able to exercise my mind the most and just relieve some of the tension that is my life. Most of the time, I consider how lucky I am to be married to such a wonderful man, to see different parts of the country, to have a sense of stability, to be blessed with such wonderful health, and to have found such amazing friends. For some reason, this morning was different. As I layed in bed, I began to feel a sense of void in my life. Something is missing and I just can't figure it out. I have so much to be thankful for yet, it doesn't seem enough. I know that I am not happy with my current employment situation but I don't think that my job is the only thing that is making me feel unfulfilled. And, to be honest, that is my biggest fear. I am afraid of dying knowing that I do not feel complete. I am afraid of feeling like I somehow cheated myself of new experiences or limited my own opportunities. I just wish that I knew what it was that I am yearning for. Only then, can I begin to fix my situation.
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Subject:Friends, aquaintances. . .where do you draw the line?
Time:02:14 pm
This weekend has really made me think. What is a friend? How do you know when someone has become a friend? Do I use the word "friend" a little too freely? How many true friends can one person make in a lifetime? A few people that I thought were my close friends definitely changed my perspective on the concept of friendship. Maybe it was the way I was raised or maybe it is just genetic, but I have always lived under the idea that friends will do anything for eachother. It may not always be comfortable and it may cost you a lot, but if you truly care for someone you are willing to risk everything. I know that I have been there for my "friends" in many compromising situations. This weekend, they could not return the favor. When I called them out on their selfish behavior, they turned around and threw it in my face. They said/wrote nasty things about me and my husband. They questioned our marriage and our lifestyle (military). I know that no matter how angry I have ever been with them, I would never tear them apart or belittle them. While my husband thinks that I should just let it go and move on, knowing that they were NEVER really our friends, I am a little more torn. I am an extremely sensitive person and I feel like a little piece of me died when I read their criticism. How someone that "considers you like a brother" and "a very close friend" could ever attack you like that is beyond me. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that tend to hold grudges. It is not something that I am proud of but it is what makes me who I am. I know that situations like this only make you stronger, but right now I feel the weakest that I ever have. I'm afraid (because I know myself) that I am going to build walls in order to protect myself and in the process, lose out on a few amazing potential friendships.
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Subject:Stolen from Sabrina
Time:09:52 am
I want to know what your perception of me is. You may not know me personally. You may only know me through my comments/responses. However, I am interested to see how I come across to other people.

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Subject:My personality
Time:04:04 pm
Your Five Factor Personality Profile


You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."


You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.


You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.


You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.
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Subject:"Take advantage of me please"??????
Time:08:57 pm
Is it posted on my forehead? Did I forget to take the sign off my back? I'm so frustrated. People continuously walk all over me because I they know that they can. I am not a confrontational person and I hate to be the cause of drama. However, this is getting ridic. I get paid much, much less than some of the people that I work with yet I do twice the work. My coworker decides that as soon as I come in, she is done. I get the kids ready for lunch, set out their mats, feed them, clean up, get them to go potty, get them settled on their mats, and threaten them endlessly until they fall asleep. lol. Then, as she heads off to lunch she tells me, "File these papers" or "Create the caldender for next month" or "Call this lady about planning a field trip." Freakin ridiculous. By the time she gets off her lunch break (2 1/2 hours later), I have already set out the snack and woken the kids up from nap. Then I put away their mats, vaccum, sweep the floor, get them to go potty, and get them to line up at the door to go outside. Usually, she comes outside for a good thirty minutes. She is supposed to leave at 4:00 but she has been leaving at 3:45. Then, today, she didn't even come outside at all. She told me to take the kids out while she stayed inside doing god knows what. I am so sick of it. I can't even say anything because her sister is the Assistant Director and they are both close to the Director. Do you think that they are really going to listen to my concerns? Tim told me that I am not allowed to quit until I complain but what good will that do? Just make the workplace that much more uncomfortable. I am so sick of job politics.
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Subject:I'm the devil!
Time:09:38 am
This is pretty true. If you have read my last journal entry, you know what I am talking about.

You Are The Devil

You don't represent evil, but you do represent the animalistic side of humans.
You demonstrate what happens when we listen to our first instincts.
At times you tend to be materialistic and hedonistic, giving in to temptation.
Admit it, you're guilty of acting first - and forgetting to think later!

Your fortune:

Right now, you may be having a difficult time as a result of choices you have made.
You need to think about what's important in your life, and discover what chains you down.
It is the time to acknowledge your faults and take steps to overcome them.
It's also the time to let go of any fears or inhibitions that are holding you back.
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Time:09:13 am
Alright, something is seriously wrong with me. I spend a good portion of my evenings looking at job postings on Monster.com, Hotjobs.com, the Post and Courier online, etc. I know that my job is okay for me right now. It provides stability and a paycheck. Tim's paycheck goes toward the major things like bills, car payments, student loan payments, etc. Mine is just supposed to be a little something extra to allow us to go on date nights and drunken' binges. lol!!! I know that I don't need a job that pays more but for some reason, I am in the mindset that I have failed myself and my parents. I am working as a preschool teacher (which you can do with a H.S. diploma) and making an hourly wage. Just last year, I was teaching high school and making a decent starting salary for a teacher. However, I didn't care for the age so I decided that I would try the younger kids. While I like the age that I am working with, something is still standing in my way. I will NEVER be completely happy working there. I know that I can do better. I want to use my degree and write for a magazine or do something with marketing/promotions. I have even entertained the idea of pharmaceutical sales. The only thing standing in my way is self confidence. I keep telling myself that I am not qualified. I am afraid of rejection so I refuse to set myself up for success. It is so frustrating. Somebody please try to talk some sense into me.
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Subject:Good stuff!
Time:05:36 pm
Create your own Movie List @ HotFreeLayouts!
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Subject:Why do bad things happen to good people?
Time:11:27 pm
I know that I already wrote about this in my myspace but I feel that the more people that come across this message, the more people that I can gather to help a wonderful cause.

About a week after my wedding (July 9th) my friend Annie told me that a girl that we went to h.s. with had been in a terrible car accident. She had been broadsided by a dump truck going 60 MPH. As a result, she was in a coma with brain trauma, broken facial bones, a punctured lung, etc. Since then, I had heard rumors that Laura had woken up from her coma. I thought that she was going to be fine. . .until today.

Let me tell you a little bit about Laura. Laura was everyone's friend in high school. Everyone wanted to be her. She was beautiful, popular, sweet, outgoing, and involved. She was a line leader for the Varsity Pom squad, Party Chair for Student Council, a member of the school choir, Homecoming queen, and played the lead of Sandy in the school rendition of Greece. Her boyfriend at the time was Danny and her best friend played the part of Rizzo. In college, Laura was a member of the Tri Delta sorority. She also became dance chair for her sorority. When I went through Rush, Laura took me under her wing. She made sure that I was taken care of and almost persuaded me to join her sorority (which I had been previously dead set against). After college, Laura married her best friend. She had just bought a house and was busy decorating it at the time of her accident. She was a wonderful person.

Today my mom called me after she found an article in the local newspaper about Laura. Laura is in what they refer to as "an awakened coma." Her eyes are open but she does not respond. She has undergone several brain surgeries and her condition continues to improve.

The ironic thing about it is that her best friend Megan (who played Rizzo) was killed in a car accident during her Fresh. year of college. She was going to visit Laura at Mizzou. Also, the Homecoming queen prior to Laura also died in a car accident. The Homecoming queen after Laura was involved in an almost fatal car accident. Freaky, huh?

Anyway, my point for making this post is because I want everyone to please visit the website that Laura's husband/family has created for her: www.lauralaughlin.com. It has a place where you can post prayers, see pictures/movies of Laura prior to the accident as well as current pictures (they will make you cry), and also a place where you can make donations to help her family pay for the medical expenses that they are enduring. I can't even imagine being in their situation. I think that her husband is an amazing person for sticking by her through this entire situation and keeping a positive attitude.

I just think that sometimes we need to stop and re-evaluate our lives. When was the last time that you told your loved ones how much they meant to you? Was that argument really worth it? Have you really lived life to its fullest?
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Subject:Deep thoughts from a true blonde
Time:09:40 am
Well, I dyed my hair last night. I don't know why this is such a big deal for me. I think that I have commitment issues. Whereas some people like to experiment with different hair colors (or men for that matter) and are afraid to commit to just one, I am the girl who likes consistency. For some reason, I am afraid of change. I like the reassurance, the familiarity of my appearance. I'm afraid that when I look in the mirror (with brown hair), I will not recognize myself.

Looking back, I have always been this way. I am the girl whose first love cheated on her and she decided to stay with him because it was what I knew. I am the girl who despite my bitter distaste for education has stuck with her job because I am afraid of trying something new and failing. I know what works for me and even if it makes me unhappy, it works.

On the contrary, the girls who are constantly altering their appearance or hide behind pounds of makeup are the girls who are really searching for self acceptance. They have not yet figured out what works for them and they are exploring themselves through the use of outward expression.

Since moving to Charleston, I have become that girl who is still searching for an identity. I always wanted to move somewhere new and recreate myself. Now that I have the opportunity to do so, I am struggling.

This may seem like a silly, trivial post (which it is) but it really has helped me to realize something. Our outward appearance is an expression of our inner selves. Not that I didn't know this before but I hadn't realized how deep this issue goes. While we all say that we don't judge eachother by appearance (upon first meeting one another), we definitely do. You don't just look at someone and say, "Gee. She looks like a nice girl" or "Wow. I bet she has an awesome sense of humor." I believe that we make prejudgements which are either confirmed or adjusted based upon what we learn about them.

Anyway, if I get my freakin' digital camera back sometime in the next century, I will post pics of my new hair.
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[icon] sailorwife0709
View:Recent Entries.
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